Balancing my Emotions on the Balance Beam

Nothing compares to the feeling of being airborne and then landing “thud” solid on the beam. Two feet, ten toes, hips square, chest up, chin up, sharp arms. These are the landings I dream of. These are the landings I practice every day.  Every day, so that when it comes time, it’s not just a dream it’s muscle memory. I need it to be this way and my team needs it to be this way. I need to be dependable on everything, but mostly on beam.

Most people dread beam. I live for it. When most people’s butterflies are going through the roof, when they are praying with everything in their bodies, ‘just stay on,’  my adrenaline is pumping with anticipation for the perfect set, and my mind knows it can happen.  Beam is a rhythm. A good routine looks effortless, because it looks natural. It looks natural because it follows a rhythm; a rhythm that has taken years of perfecting. Like I said, I live for it. I live to perform a routine that is swift and precise. A routine that hits hard, slows down when it’s called for, and is both an expression of power and grace.

Nothing compares. Nothing can compare. When I get off the beam and I know I did my job, my body fills with pride. It’s knowing that not only can I say I can do these tricks, but I can say I can perform them under pressure. In other words I can compete, and I can win. I have it in me.  When my mind goes into that rhythm, that mental beam zone, it’s like I’m in a whole other world and I am a whole other person. Nothing exists except my body and the beam. I know it’s cheesy to say, but the beam and I become one. I can’t hear anything except my own breathing and the sound of my hands and feet moving “thud, sweep, thud, thud” across the suede surface. I don’t see any distractions, I just see that 4 foot tall, 16.5 foot long, four inch wide beam.

Once in that beam zone everything follows. If I can get my mind into that Zen state, it doesn’t matter how tired my body is or if I fell on every skill warming up, my mind will push my body through. In that state I can pull anything off. People always ask me what I think about during my routine and I will answer the same every time, nothing. Because when I fall into that rhythm, I truly don’t have to think. I just have to do and enjoy.

  I love beam. I love the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel so in control, natural, solid. I can always make corrections and improve it. I can always challenge myself with a new skill. I can always go there to make me happy if I am down. Because beam makes so much sense to me (it’s just a long line you have to stay on) I can go there whenever anything else in my world doesn’t make sense, and gain back some control over my life— even in that control has nothing to do with the issue and it’s as minuscule as jumping and landing, it makes me feel better. It keeps me in check.   My goal in life is to find more things I can enjoy with such passion. Though I don’t believe there is anything out there quite like the feeling of performing a beam routine. I still want to find more things like it. Things that give me that same rush of adrenalin and emotion I get the second my fingertips graze the surface of a beam.   

It follows.

Gymnastics is more than just a part of my life; it's as much a part of me as the brown eye balls in my head. It follows me everywhere. I recently went on a Spanish immersion trip to Nicaragua, and of course, I couldn't leave there without at least one cheesy gymnastics pose photo.  

I know that you really just think I'm great... right?!

I want to be noticed, and I want to be praised, and really I just have to admit I want attention. After all that’s all anyone wants right? And I’m not just talking gym here, even though yeah I think that is one of the main reasons I do gymnastics, but I mean in life. I only do anything so that other people will comment on it. I hardly keep to myself, ever. Today I was on beam doing series (back handspring connected to another handspring) and I noticed that for the most part I only took turns when my coach was watching. I wanted him to see that I was doing well, so that he could tell me so himself. I could have probably done double the amount of skills in the time it took me to do ten, just because I wanted attention. I don’t know if this attention thing is a new thing, but I have been noticing it in myself for a while now and I think it’s about time I admit it.

Facebook. It shouldn’t matter to me how many people like my statuses, but it totally does. I have even found myself plotting out the kind of statuses that I know a lot of people will enjoy. Not that I dwell on this or spend hours on it, but if something cheesy or clever pops into my head I post it right away. There is a complete formula to it. Just like horoscopes or fortune cookies. It has to be broad— so that everyone can relate their own experiences to it. It has to be worded somewhat poetically— so it’s eye catching and people will like the way it sounds in their head and they’ll repeat it. It has to be either positive or negative, no in-betweens— so that people can be sure of what they are agreeing with.

Why do I care? Why do I spend so much of my time thinking about, what other people are thinking about me? I don’t know, and I don’t like it. It feels like such an insecure thing to do. This comes back to the post before; I need to find a drive within. I need to start doing things in my life for myself and no one else. All things. I need to only hang out with people, who I really want to spend time with. I need to focus in school and studying for the ACT, so that later in my life I can have things I want. I need to work at my skills in the gym so that next year I can compete them and feel proud of the work I did. Why is finding this so hard?

Saturday Mornings Are Made For Sleeping

  I just got back from gym, and let me tell you, sometimes I am amazed at my own amount of unproductively. I am too much of a pro slacker. I spent an hour at floor today not twisting. Well I did a few times, but for the most part I stood. I stood there thinking about how I wanted to not be there. I stood there thinking about anything, but the single thing I needed to do. Clearly I know that I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing, but I did it anyway. And of course now, after the fact, I wish I would have just sucked it up and tumbled. I am getting to the point where every practice needs to count for something; every moment in the gym needs to be working towards something. My family pays too much and I want it too much for me to just throw it away by standing. I know that I need to push myself to do this, but I am having so much trouble doing it. I need to find some kind of drive.